Grading The In-Season Dump Deals

[Brad Jansen]

Good afternoon, class. I have waived this school’s code of confidentiality and posted both your names and grades for this summer’s in-season dump deal assignment. Needless to say, I am a bit disappointed in your overall efforts and utter lack of imagination. While I understand the Riptorns’ off-season acquisition of Mike Trout will stand as The Greatest Trade Ever Made, by no means should you have set your sights so low and not even try to top that deal. Be that as it may, I have tried to generate more effort in analyzing your moves than you obviously did on making them:

Incomplete: Adams Family Values. If any of these acquisitions remain in organized baseball long enough to come off the DL, then I’ll assign a grade. I do recommend, however, that you retake this class and try your experiments on live creatures and not all these dead frogs.

F:  Klein Nine.  Acquires mediocre kid pitchers and a closer that every media outlet projected would end up traded to the NL.  Guess aluminum foil does not generate great TV reception down there in Indiana. Gets a MI and OF who are utility players on any other team–oh, wait, Frenchy already is….Preparation so poor I should send you to the dean.

D: Block’s Bombers. Took all summer and half your team, but you did manage to land a 36-year old DH who will be batting from a walker next year assuming he can even stand on one leg. Nevertheless he’s $1 and clearly will return value on your investment when not lounging in the whirlpool. Lester at $31 could be a steal if he can maintain an ERA below 5.00.

C-: Mighty Red Hots. That independent study project photographing tires in rural America wreaked havoc with your studies. Dustin Ackley for chrissakes? Hopefully Cain won’t need further DL stints to convince you to extend his contract next year. Otherwise, all I can say is “here’s lookin’ at Yu, kid” OK, enough puns on his name. I am soooo disappointed in your overall performance this year. From high honors to near rock bottom. Next summer take typing.

B+ : Riptorns. Montero and Bundy very nice pick ups and will be team’s mainstays for a long long while. I’d call Franklin and Lee a terrific keystone combo except they’re both shortstops.

A: Berliners. Fooled me. Thought you were playing for this year, but instead netted some nice cheap keepers for next summer’s class: Doumit-8 and soon-to-be-reinstalled closer Grant Balfour at 9 are solid guys as will be a rejuvenated John Danks at 17. Come here and get your certificate before your chauffeur arrives to take you to your spinning lessons.

Class dismissed. Get the hell out of here, all of you.

[Andy Klein]

Dear Deans Robbins and Kerber,

Please send me the grade appeal process!

-K9

[Richard Robbins]

I suspect the school is going to lose its accreditation.

There are rumors that Professor Brad Lee has been accepting bribes in return for grades.

[Mark Blocker]

I am pretty sure it wasn’t accredited to begin with.

[Brad Jansen]

Master Robbins, in reviewing your course work I noticed you acquired Fernando Rodney at a bargain price. You have earned enough extra credit to earn yourself an A in the course. I commend your ability to balance your many classes with your interesting and intellectually stimulating hobbies.

Feel free to use me as a reference.

[Author]

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