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“I remember the moment so well, so fondly,” mused Brad Jansen, the melancholic CEO of the flagging Riptorns. “After the Angries retained the ancient Mariano Rivera for $26, the Bombers bought the excessively flamboyant Valverde for $23, and the Berliners blew $16 on Matt Thornton, I sat ready to go up to 25 on Grant Balfour. When the bidding for him stopped at 9, I had to lean on Jeffrey and catch my breath.
“I understand that he’s not as large as Jonathan Broxton, as nearsighted as Kyle Farnsworth, or as exciting as Sergio Santos–but he brings a quiet calm that my team needs, indeed a placidity that I myself need right now,” observed the dapper Jansen. “I know some teams, the Berliners in particular, try to navigate these difficult waters without a closer. I admit that I need a closer, someone who simply gets the job done when called upon. I believe I found that certain someone. As bad as the Riptorns’ season has started and as worse as it shall become, I find solace in Grant Balfour’s presence on my active roster.”
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