Jansen’s 2000 Fearless Forecast

[Brad Jansen]

Here are my predictions, which are sanctioned neither by my partner Mike Rogers, nor my consultant Jeff Winick. They are based upon a cursory review of the rosters and my encyclopedic knowledge. Here goes:

9. Flaming Brats: when Andy and I said they had a nice draft, we were referring to Jeff’s seat by the window.

8. Winick’s Berliners: embittered by his failure to draft the cheap catchers he wanted, Jeff has committed this season to tormenting the Riptorns and convincing his brother Mark to rejoin the league. Only Jeff’s software and twisted, sick mind could project a money finish for this sorry squad. As Jeff proclaims, it’s the best-balanced team in the league: the mediocrity is spread evenly among the pitching and offense.

7. Angry Young Men: enough pitching depth to acquire more offense? If so, move this team up a few notches. Castilla must perform. Dark horse candidate to surprise big time.

6. Nukes: $90 committed to Jeter, Mags Ordonez and Vizquel nuked this team like a slice of swiss cheese: too many holes, too little taste. Even a Carpenter can’t fix that shaky pitching staff.

5. Hoosier Daddies: pitching not as woeful as Winick claims. Salmon and Gonzalez must stay healthy and productive. SBs could be a concern.

4. Riptorns: will be first team to dump if offense fails to move up in HR/RBI categories. Who has best keepers?

3. Mighty Red Hots: only if Rich starts watching Baseball Tonight instead of Angry Beavers reruns. If Lofton doesn’t steal and Colon doesn’t come back soon, downgrade.

2. Klein-9: Andy’s excited that Greg Norton and Chad Curtis are playing everday; that’s not a good sign, but Pedro plus nice offense ensure a competitive run.

1. Block’s Bombers: Because the Time has Come. Have only the Riptorns noticed how fair and reasonable Mark has become in trade talks? Excess power will allow trade(s) for solid starters. Mark, your path to Victory is bright and shiny. Do not let the likes of Jeff Winick darken your dreams.

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