Kerber’s Response to Pippin

[Mark Kerber]

For those of you who do not know Pippin, and even those who do, a bit of translation and explanation are in order. You see, Pippin, like any critic, has her own strengths, weaknesses and biases. It is only by understanding where Pippin is coming from that we can really understand and appreciate her selections.

First, Pippin is a dog. Her prognostications are therefore dog-like: good-natured and energetic but (how shall I say this) a bit dim. Second, Pippin has hung around for a long time with Andy, watching baseball. Thus, she has adopted Andy’s biases, most notably an excessive fascination with home runs and a strong aversion to anything resembling pitching. So, here’s what it all really means.

1. Hoosier Daddies. Pippin, being a good and loyal dog, is impressed with anyone who can fleece Andy in a trade. Those of us who’ve been in the league for more than a couple of years are no longer so impressed. What Pippin calls “modestly priced” power looks just plain modest from here.

2. Berliners. Duh. Not quite bullet-proof, true enough. But rock solid across the board. Great retention roster, solid draft, what’s not to like? Obvious top pick.

3. Angry Young Men. A classic Pippin/Klein/Liberman team. Loads of power, but no speed or pitching at all. Deep rotation? Only if you’re Jimmy Gobble’s mom. Move them down the list from here, by at least a couple of pegs.

4. Klein Nine. Pretty much the same as the Angries, except even more power and even less pitching. Also over-rated by Pippin.

5. Block’s Bombers. Pippin has never liked Mark Blocker. I suspect they have issues going way back. While Pippin is right to question the pitching, this team has a very good offense. Should be ranked higher by at least a notch or two.

6. Flaming Brats. Pippin’s ranking seems unduly optimistic in light of her unusually perceptive comments. The comments are right and the ranking is wrong. Apparently, Pippin’s affinity for meat products led her to over-rate the Brats.

7. Mighty Red Hots. Pippin got this one right. That’s one.

8. Lake Michigan Calamari. Pippin’s apparently no fan of sea food. The Fighting Squid have some pitching challenges, but a solid offense. They’ll finish higher than this, unless they dump. (It wouldn’t be a bad idea, Jim. Call me.)

9. Buddha’s Republicans. Pippin got another one right. Two right is a good year for Pippin.

10. Gallo’s Cups Full of Hearty Burgundy. Three right for Pippin. Career year.

11. Nukes. Incapable of finishing last under current rules, even with the maximum allowable dump. That said, a lousy performance on draft day. Look for the Nukes to finish (in increasing order of likelihood) first, second, or fifth.

Mark

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