The Bubbly’s On Ice: An Open Letter From Jeffrey Winick

[Brad Jansen]

Dear Owners:
It is with no small sense of pride and purpose that I hereby annoint my team the Berliners the 2007 USML Champions.  Oh, sure, the Daddies and K-9 can play out the string through Sunday, but trust me: I have run the numbers and there are enough precincts reporting to convince me that my projections, as usual, are as right as rain (but a little left of Buddha).

This year is extremely satisfying to me, and only on a deeply spiritual level:  I not only vanquished opponents too numerous to mention, but I also enjoyed the spectacle of the hapless Riptorns trading the likes of young superstars Ellsbury, Gordon and Markakis in their vain struggle to remain ahead of the Nukes and Red Hots in the lower reaches of the standings, which –God willing– I never will see again.

Now I don’t expect any tribute songs to be penned about me, because after all what words rhyme with Jeff, let alone Winick or Berliner.  But don’t worry–I’ve got plenty of time to hum to myself.  And I know that at next year’s draft I’ll be about as welcome by some of you as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was yesterday at Columbia University.  And to you infidels I offer an olive branch of peace and assure you that on the Berliners, we don’t have homosexuals like on your teams, we do not have this phenomenon.

And to you I also say that I do not seek the destruction of the Klein Nine, or other teams that seek to prevent me from achieving specific roto rewards, but I do do want a free referendum and free market for all the USML owners to maintain peace and stability in the league around us.

Now before Brad Lee resumes his crazed yet passionate trading, let us take this time to heal our wounds.  Come, come sip my champagne, for I am your champion.  Accept it, know it and believe it.

That is all until I have more to say,
Jeffrey H. Winick,
Champion

[Author]

Posts