[USML Announce] PackerLand Crisis

[Andrew R. Klein]

Jim-

 

This was outstanding!  I?ve already circulated it to a number of other
Packer Backers!!

 

  _____  

From: announce-bounces at usml.net [mailto:announce-bounces at usml.net] On Behalf
Of Jim Barrett
Sent: Monday, February 20, 2006 7:11 PM
To: USML list
Subject: [USML Announce] PackerLand Crisis

 

Considering the number of Packer fans and haters in our group, I thought you
guys might appreciate this:



Seething Midwest Explodes Over Lombardi Cartoons

Green Bay, WI - Like a pot of bratwurst left unattended at a Lambeau
Field pregame party, simmering tensions in the strife-torn Midwest
boiled over once again today as rioting mobs of green-and-gold clad
youth and plump farm wives rampaged through Wisconsin Dennys and IHOPs,
burning Texas toast and demanding apologies and extra half-and-half.

Cartoon that shocked Midwest

The spark igniting the latest tailgate hibachi of unrest: a Texas
newsletter's publication of caricatures of legendary Green Bay Packers
coach Vince Lombardi.

Protestors demonstrated against the images throughout the Badger State
yesterday, with violent egging and cow-tipping incidents reported in
Oconomowac, Pewaukee, Sheboygan, Ozaukee, Antigo, Oshkosh, Waubeno,
Wauwautosa, Waunewoc, Wyocena, Waubeka, and Washawonamowackapeepee.

Some of the most dramatic skirmishes were centered around Kenosha, where
a mob of masked snowmobilers invaded the Texas Roadhouse on I-94,
briefly holding the margarita machine hostage. They were later seen
storming the beverage department at Woodman's, where they purchased
several cases of Point and a pack of Merit menthols, and later at the
Brat Stop classic rock/sausage outlet, where they were reported angrily
"boogie-ing out" on air guitar to featured entertainment by Molly
Hatchett.

But by far the fiercest demonstration took place in Green Bay's Lambeau
Shrine parking lot where throngs of Packer faithful burned Texas flags
and effigies of Roger Staubach as Lutheran pastors led them in chants of
"Those who defame the Vince suck" and "Favre is Great." Many of the
f renzied demonstrators were seen ritualistically beating themselves with
mozzarella sticks.

The crowd eventually dispersed, lured away by local supper clubs and the
nickel slots of nearby Oneida Bingo Casino, but Pastor Doug Schmidtke of
Fond Du Lac's Grand Lutheran Temple threatened continued community
unrest "until the infidels of Texas deliver an apology. And the head of
Tom Landry in a paper bag."

While the curd-strewn streets of Green Bay remain calm for the moment, a
startled Texas government official -- speaking on terms of anonymity --
said that they would work with other developed states to find a solution
to tensions "before the situation erupts into a full-fledged clash of
civilizations."

Eye of a Storm

Over the past five years, the volatile Midwest has produced violent rage
like the knockwurst output at Milwaukee's venerable Usinger's -- sudden,
repeated, and in long unbroken strings. One of the principle catalysts
was the rise the Uff Da insurgency, led by the enigmatic Pastor Duane
Gunderson, who seek a unified Lutheran caliphate stretching from the
Great Plains to Lake Huron, and the banning of non-Big 10/Pac 10
apostates from the Rose Bowl. Gunderson remains in hiding, but his
influence was seen last year in the widely publicized Lutefisk
desecration riots that rocked the Heartland amid the pancake breakfast
holidays.

Still, outside of the Dells and a handful of violent outposts near its
western Mississippi River border, Wisconsin remained a relatively calm
exception to the Midwestern maelstrom surrounding it -- a fact that
experts attribute to subtle differences in culture and religion.

"Unlike the ultra-extreme, radical Lutheran sectarians of Iowa and
Minnesota, most ethnic Wisconsinites belong to the Wisconsin Lutheran
Synod," said Joseph Killian, a Midwestern Studies professor at Emory
University in Atlanta. "And if you add in three Super Bowl titles,
easier access to beer, and walleye fishing, and you're going to have a
much calmer and more stable culture."

All that would change in November with the publication of four cartoons
in a Texas office newsletter -- cartoons that today have brought this
once happily beer-goggled society to the precipice of all-out culture
war.

Casus Belli

A thousand miles south of Wisconsin's sprawling Holstein pastures, Josh
Davidson peers between the drawn drapes of his Plano, Texas apartment,
looking for signs of suspicious green-clad strangers. It is his third
day at the address, but he is already scanning the classified ads for
his next residence. For this 37-year old, staying ahead of Packer
radicals has become a full time job.

In November, Davidson -- a self-described diehard Dallas Cowboys fan --
made a fateful decision that would alter his life and whose
reverberations are currently shaking the foundations of two societies.
"The Appleby's in Frisco has two big screens, and I liked going there
Sunday for the Cowboy games," Davidson explained. "But one weekend there
was this annoying bunch of Wisconsin immigrant idiots with foam rubber
cheese wedge hats, screaming for the Packers on the other screen."

In response, Davidson drew four provocative cartoons of revered Packer
coach Vince Lombardi, and distributed Xeroxed copies to his co-workers
at VHT Technologies in Plano. What he didn't know is that one of
co-workers was an alumnus of Marquette, and the cartoons would soon be
circulated throughout the Packer world.

The response would be immediate and visceral.

"While Wisconsin culture is tolerant compared to, say, Iowa, what many
outsiders don't understand is that its ultimate taboo is graven images
of Lombardi," said Nigel Rhys-Jones of Harvard's Institute of Primitive
Anthropology. "The only Lombardi iconography a llowed is allegorical, in
throw blankets or needlepoint appliques, and must be purchase at craft
fairs from chubby Lutheran women in windbreakers. For a Cowboy fan to
make cartoons of the Vince is... let's just say the ultimate sacrilege."

Aftermath

The appearance of the cartoons in Wisconsin media sparked a angry
reaction in the Packer street, a reaction that some say radical Lutheran
clerics were more than happy to foment and nurture with every Packerless
playoff game.

After the NFC Championship game in January, WTMJ radio in Milwaukee
broadcast a newly surfaced audiotape of Duane Gunderson on the Wayne
Larrivee Packer Report, in which he urged Packer faithful to "rise up
against the mockers of the one and true coach."

"Those who sow the curds of blasphemy will reap the cheddar wheel of
destruction,?EUR? he added cryptically.

In response to growing pressure and threats of Wisconsin boycotts, VHT
Technologies dism issed Davidson on January 21, issuing a fulsome
personal apology from CEO George Uhl asking Wisconsinites "to consider
VHT the next time you are choosing a supplier of multiphase diodes," and
"please don't kill me."

Despite the olive branch, the Packer community finally exploded into the
streets Sunday, as already frayed emotions were further enflamed by the
awarding of the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Super Bowl's victorious
Pittsburgh Steelers.

Numerous request to Texas Governor Rick Perry to execute or extradite
Davidson to Wisconsin have thusfar gone unheeded, but it is unclear
whether the Governor can withstand the growing political pressure for a
cathartic public beheading. With nearly one million ethnic immigrant
Midwesterners now living in Texas, experts say Perry risks alienating an
important voter bloc. More troubling, some analyst believe that south
Texas is currently infiltrated by a sleeper cell of tens of thousands of
elderly Midwestern snowbirds, each of whom is armed with a Winnebago
capable of smashing into a fast food restaurant.

As the world awaits the next move in this complicated polka of
realpolitik, tensions throught the Midwest remain as high as the
cholesterol. However, yesterday saw one hopeful sign of a thaw: a
consortium of civic, religious and Packer club leaders announced an
emergency summit at the Fudgienuckles bar in Glenbuelah next week to
start a dialogue with their non-Midwestern counterparts. At the top of
the agenda: working with non-Midwestern leaders to create regional peace
and security by passing international anti-Packer blasphemy laws.

Small steps to be sure, but observers say these safety measures will
help quell the roiling unrest before it spreads to the dimwitted
ultra-militant Yoopers of Michigan's notorious Ishpeming Triangle.

While politicians and community leaders from Austin to Rhinelander work<
BR>to sort out the issues, Josh Davidson says he will try to get on with
his life, "maybe in Brazil or Nepal." Still, he says, he can't help
puzzling over how he came to his current circumstances.

"Yeah, I guess maybe I was trying to push a couple of Packer hot
buttons," he now admits. "I never though it would mean taping a mirror
to a pole to check under my car for bombs every morning."

Does he have any regrets? Davis ponders a moment.

"No, not really," he says. "I'm just glad I didn't hand out those
cartoons of Mike Ditka."


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