[USML Announce] Doug Shabelman: The Mark Whisperer

[Brad Jansen]

"Since I'm hopelessly out of the money and  I was done trading well before
Easter this year," observed the ever-spiritual Jeffrey Winick, "I've had
ample time to catch some solid cable TV shows, especially on the National
Geographic channel, which features several scantily clad native women...but
I've also caught a series featuring a young Hispanic gentleman who has an
uncanny ability to tame and control the wildest, most disciplined canines
imaginable....

"His nickname, of course, is the Dog Whisperer (named after the Robert
Redford vehicle featuring  a horse for those of you who don't get out to the
movies much or, like Buddha, restrict your viewing to John Wayne's The Green
Berets)...and after reviewing the hot wax seal announcement that heralded
the latest trade between Mark and Doug, I have concluded with a reasonable
degree of roto certainty that Doug has a similar ability to control Mark's
behavior: and as I reflect on this I realize that as recently as the draft I
saw Mark fetch Doug a towel, a blankie and a pail...there was even a quiet
interlude when Mark let Doug scratch him on the tummy.  So Doug Shabelman,
unlike any other owner in the history of the USML, has found a way to
control the unruly Mark Blocker.  For positive reinforcement of his
respectful behavior, Doug tosses him 'treats' --also known as 'keepers' in
the parlance of our league-- young players with nice contracts that enable
Mark to have ample funds to buy established stars at the next draft, which
he in turn trades to Doug later in the year for more 'treats'--no wonder
Mark can sit through the draft without needing to take a walk outside--he's
very well trained!

"In any event, it's apparent that teams like the Nukes, Klein-9 and Red Hots
better start whispering, too, or they soon will join the bottom-feeders like
the Rips and Berliners...at least we bark at everybody...and play dead for
everyone, too!"
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