<div> "I remember the moment so well, so fondly," mused Brad Jansen, the melancholic CEO of the flagging Riptorns. "After the Angries retained the ancient Mariano Rivera for $26, the Bombers bought the excessively flamboyant Valverde for $23, and the Berliners blew $16 on Matt Thornton, I sat ready to go up to 25 on Grant Balfour. When the bidding for him stopped at 9, I had to lean on Jeffrey and catch my breath.</div>
<div> "I understand that he's not as large as Jonathan Broxton, as nearsighted as Kyle Farnsworth, or as exciting as Sergio Santos--but he brings a quiet calm that my team needs, indeed a placidity that I myself need right now," observed the dapper Jansen. "I know some teams, the Berliners in particular, try to navigate these difficult waters without a closer. I admit that I need a closer, someone who simply gets the job done when called upon. I believe I found that certain someone. As bad as the Riptorns' season has started and as worse as it shall become, I find solace in Grant Balfour's presence on my active roster." </div>